Yesterday as a friend and I were coming back from two wedding setups (of a four total wedding setup for the shop), she asked me what exactly I actually want to end up doing with flowers. As in, where do I see myself going with all of this. And my immediate response was that I wanted to take the show on the road and head back to Pittsburgh with all my floral knowledge and enthusiasm one day. But as everyone that knows me knows by now, this is not a likely possibility for reasons outside of my control. It's just very hard for me to remove the idea as an option from my heart, because there is a comfort in returning where things are safe and where my mom is. Also because the market for some insane florals there is largely untapped, and it would be a hugely wonderful business venture. But mostly the former.
Since it doesn't seem like I'll be headed west anytime soon, I need to think about what I want to be doing in the context of here. And it still breaks my heart just enough to hurt, but not as much as what I felt before, which was a closing throat and tears ready to fall, and the desire to go back to routines I had in high school. Like going to the empty grocery store after a movie theater shift over at 11:30pm to buy healthy snacks. We all find different things to be soothing.
So I started to think a bit last night. Took a shower and put on my favorite comfy clothes, and took off jewelry and my watch. I think better with less things in my space. People: fine. Things: intrusive.
I'm still figuring out what I want to do. I want to, in the next year, make a plan for what I will be doing independently of Falls Flowers.
I feel like I'm still getting my footing at the moment. I haven't even been fully in the flower business for a year yet, and coming out of my old job last August was not easy. I felt like I had some form of PTSD for months. Currently, my stress levels are probably at the lowest they've been since senior year of college after student teaching, which was February to May 2012 - more than three years ago. I've certainly been able to think clearly since then, but not enough to understand that I can truly, absolutely make some of my goals come to fruition.
And now that I can, it's hard to figure out what it is that I truly want, without feeling like I need to run back to safety in Pittsburgh, or to go back to teaching, which was brutal but came easily. Now I have the luxury of defining a dream.