Yesterday's Facebook status

Ok folks. I'm going to get personal.

I'm hurting just like a lot of you are. I'm fluctuating between feeling empty and hollow, and then full of rage. I wish I could feel something else, maybe something like love for the people I know who are with me and will support causes of equality. But I'm still having trouble feeling love. It'll come back, but I'm not there yet.

I'm fearful for those who will suffer. I don't want people to lose their health insurance, or be denied due to "pre-existing conditions" if the ACA is messed with. I feel the pain and invalidation of women, where we see a woman who is arguably the most qualified candidate for President EVER, lose to a man who spews garbage. I don't even know what to say to people of color at this point. "I'm sorry" just doesn't cut it. Never did. I stand in solidarity with those who find themselves on the margins of what this regime will accept. And I barely know what to say to myself.

In about 3-3.5 years from now, my projected plans will have allowed me to successfully pay off all of my student loans. Granted, this is without saving for much else, but this is how I'm handling it. Chris and I want children one day. But in good conscience, knowing the reality that is women's health care and child care affordability, I refuse to bear children before I personally am debt-free.

And now that plan must change. I can not subject myself to the indignity of seeking prenatal medical care under this presidency. As it stands now, it is possible that any pregnancy I carry would be a risk, due to surgery I have had in the past. And to risk my life in their regime where a woman would be secondary to a clump of fucking cells would be lunacy. 

I don't want to get an IUD - I'm a nervous patient under the most routine circumstances, but it's looking like that is my option right now. In this time more than ever, I hear myself wishing that I couldn't have children, or that we simply don't want children. This is the first step to my choices being inadvertently made for me.

I think I'm writing this because I'm trying to process. But I'm also writing this because this is the first way that they will come for me, and many of you. And I'm scared. And I'm processing. And it'll take awhile. 

I will rally. I will fight. I will use my privilege to aid others. I'll certainly cry a lot, with anyone else who needs to. I'll hold your hand when you're scared. And we'll heal together by taking care of each other.